BAbbLER's BORDOM

HappY HallooWeeN 10/31/98

Editor's note:

Anshu's newspaper is created out of mindless boredom to subdue my friend's fears that I dropped off the edge of the email world. The following will consist of incessant raving about my life so that all my friends can feel closer to me.... GROUP HUG. If you know me, continue reading; otherwise email BAbbLER@freedminds.com and request deletion. DO NOT FORWARD THIS TO OTHER PEOPLE OR PETS. If you know someone who isn't getting this it's probably because my computer died so I have like five email addresses. Do me a rotund favor and have any of our mutual friends email me their addresses. Also, I'm a big boy so don't feel guilty saying you don't want the emails (or just delete them)-THE BAbbLER

---------LEAD STORY....

HALLOWEEN: The best of list...

Best Dancing Party: Oddly enough it was my cuzin' (cuzin' me a headache) Kitty's sober party winning the prize. Doing the crooked train (headed by Adam); tag team freak dancing with a few girls (you see what happens when you allow Jackie to relieve your fears of dancing); watching Kris and Kross going at it, slow dancing with a skeleton; and ya me and Casebeer danced like crazy 80's people on crack [It's always crack with you Anshu, isn't it?] Mando props goes to Kitty, Karen, Jen and Mandy for kewl music and for inviting a kewl crowd.

Best Decorated Party: Goes to Ellen who gave me my wonderful ballcut for free. Picture it, a bunch of guys are expected to help move furniture and set up for her famed massacred murder mystery party. I didn't go because it's a couple thing and I'm not a couple and didn't want Trish to set me up (I mean look at her taste in men-he-he). Amazingly Anshu was on time; not so amazingly he was too impatient to wait for others so he ran full speed at a couch successfully dislodging it and his shoulder. First, the girls mocked him dearly, but then he over embellished his injures, causing them to feel bad and then pampered him. You see how Anshu is scum and how he hasn't changed much. But you still love him, how insane does that make you?

Most Rowdy Party: It seems that after I left the cops busted Chris's party. Luckily they didn't get arrested for being underage and supplying underage drinkers, they just got a fine. Surprisingly Minka was not there during the arrest.

Costumes:

My costumes included: A great hand-stitched by Sarah with Love costume of Inigo Montoya from the princess bride; A female Asian Indian in green suit that belongs to my cuzin'; A witch for a short while; The man in Black; Rudolf; Bambi; and yes I was a horny devil (horny as in I had antlers and I'm horney...it's a homonym.)

Most Creative costume: A man who wanted to be a garbage bag was wearing....a garbage bag.

Best outfitted costume: I fenced Kate with his sword, and you know I get carried away, I broke the tip. Still Amour, with the Man in black costume from the princess bride, looked too good to be true.

Most Seductive: Two gorgeous girl's dressed as presents (I know what I want for Christmas!!)

Funniest costume: A guy with a toilet seat on his head jumped in front of me saying, "I'm a shit face."

Worst Costume: Girls trying to be farm girls wearing OVERALLS.

Bluest Costume: Sarah as Princess Buttercup wore an amazing blue outfit that somehow seemed to mask her tub of lard-just teasing.

Most Creative costume: Manas put money around him and went as "The Money". I thought it'd be cheese but it was muenster.

Gayest Costume: Minka played the Gangster look masterfully but he had this colorful spirally dress shirt which way beyond gay.

Most reaction-getting costume: Yes we saw Manasi with make-up on, her ear rings changed, and we saw her midsection as she followed my roommate's suggestion to be a gypsy. Apparently she didn't like my idea of being a flasher, Inspector Gadget, or a sorceress (because that's what she is in real life). Oddly enough, when I was trying to help her with a costume ideas I found out my sophomore year when I was dressed as Barney Rubble going around to girls saying "I'm no Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock". That same year, I didn't even know Manasi but she was dressed as Betty Rubble. Tres freaky, don't you think? ANYway, when Manasi and I were walking down College Ave to get film, two strange guys did an impromptu rap about her outfit. It was the kewlest reaction ever. Yes, even when she is with a man, she's still the number one freak magnet!!

Best Costume for their Personality: Kitty was a hippie....enough said.

Best group costume: It could have been the gansters, the three stooges, the angels, or the south park crew, but I give the prize to Paul and Kapil for being Kriss Kross.

Overall best costume: Josh played his character, the hamburgerler, perfectly. Of course we went to McDonalds and had him try to steal a hamburger but to no avail. Boycott McDonalds I say.

---------YM Romantic Section....

Friday night the most beautiful girl came up to my door wearing nothing....but her clothes. Anshu still has no girlfriend-surprise-surprise.

---------Dumb quotes of the week ....

After a friend spends a great deal of time talking about a girl, he approached me a few minutes later and said forget about everything I just said.

Plastered Paul yells, "What did I say before we went out? No throwing up!" Polite drunk Kapil apologies "I'm sorry."

"He can't be stopped. We have to stop him." --Priest in John Carpenter's Vampires

---------BAbbLER's dictionary ....

This is where you can ask Anshu what everyday terms really mean to him?

Date-A date is when you are with a person that you like romantically and likes you romantically and during the time spent together this knowledge is exchanged along with a kiss.

Forever-Lasting for eternity or until it starts feeling like an eternity.

Ironic-(see definition of ironic)

Sex-Having an orgasm with another person facilitating it.

---------Sports section....

Top 4 sports:

4--Balderdash: If you're unfamiliar with the game, everyone makes up definitions to words, initials, dates, or describes movies by their title to see if you can guess the real answer. It's a BAbbLER's MUST DO if you're stuck in a rut because if you play with creative people it's hilarious. I learned the term for a servant who removes unwanted armpit hair and a term used to polish gentiles of marble statues. Don't you just wish you knew these kewl words? Play the game (this has been a paid advertisement from Balderdash-he-he.)

3-Arcade Hockey: You know that foosball type game where you're hockey players found in arcades all across this land. THE BAbbLER does not have a losing record to anyone in this sport and challenges anyone to defeat him. This week Casebeer tried and had a good lead but was thwarted with a lucky come back and then humiliated when he scored the winning goal....on himself-he-he.

2--Holly-day: Thursday, Senior NASH student Mrs. Holly visited Penn state with cookies and cupcakes (the best cookie's I've ever had, sorry Jackie you've been dethroned). To burn off the unwanted calories, we played Frisbee.... and it was good.

1--FooTBAll: Sunday marked the triumphant return of my best friend Casebeer into the sport's world. Previously, Mathew Earl Casebeer injured his meniscus playing football (ruining all of his chances to go pro). The day was highlighted with my catch in the end zone leading to a brutal hit by "Terry Brashaw". Also notable mark goes to Minka who got sucker kicked in the thigh by some dork and had his shirt turned to shreds (Minka topless with a bunch of guys, who would have guessed?).

------Fashion

Best Female outfit: Trish sported an eloquent vertical GREEN and black dress with French laced V fringes, and just because I never saw her in a dress before she wins. I call her outfit Striped Success.

Worst Female outfit: Mandy wore blue overalls and I was forced to shoot her with my imaginary shotgun.

Best Male outfit: Tom wore a tie?? You heard the breaking news here first.

Worst Male outfit: Casebeer shirtless on our couch in black jeans. Please don't envision it.

Fashion Faux Pas: I saw some girls dressed as ghosts and angles....wearing white after labor day, tisk tisk.

------Dreams, Auras, and the Occult

How can such beautiful images of light pass through me in the dark?

After seeing Manasi for the first time wearing make-up, I dreamt that I did that brushing my hand down her face thing, which really annoys her to the point I actually had to stop doing it. The scary thing was as I moved my hand across her face the make up disappeared and there was no residue on my hands. So I did it again, and this time her face came off ....face off....face off. Just like the movie Face Off. I wander what that means? --The end-bub-bye.

The Aura is that special kind of je ne sais pas about a stranger that draws you to notice them. These are stories about random encounters with strangers.

After playing toss outside, Casebeer and I entered the elevator to meet an estranged lady. There wasn't anything specifically special about the girl, but there was something intriguing about her. Defying social norms, I spoke in the elevator. "I can't believe we took the elevator to go up three floors' Anshu says mocking himself. Seeing Casebeer's outfit and the boom box he was carrying, the girl asks Casebeer, "Are you an 80's guy?" Casebeer, usually knows what to say but was dumbfounded, and replied, "Yes I guess." After we exited Casebeer and I both gave each other a look. We knew that girl could have been the one for him.

Meetings with the Occult

A male Japanese tourist stole my soul when they had my friends and me pose for a photo with his wife in our Halloween costumes.

------Movie and TV

Good: John Captenter's Vampire. I read half the book and it was okay but I lost it in the transition to college. Saw the movie at midnight Halloween with Casebeer and it was decent as sin. Kudos to the death scenes and the brutality of the main character. If you like vampires and gore, go see it.

Bad: Gram Strollers Dracula. Technically the movie doesn't suck, but this marks the fifth time I tried watching this movie all the way through and failed. You know, it's probably happened to you before too. This time it was because of Manasi, a tired girl who was too polite to not come over, and who subsequently fell asleep so I had to take her home. Not mad though because when we stopped poking fun at the movie, I started to get tired and when I came back home I slept instead of watching the rest.

-------Hypothetical questions (Send me any questions you can think of, if they're good, and send me your thoughts on this week's questions.)

If you found yourself constantly fighting with your spouse, would you get a divorce or stay together for the children's sake? Get a divorce. Kids shouldn't have to watch parents fight. They might think that that's a normal part of a relationship.

------Home Economics

How to cook Lonely Soup for One -A true story

Ingredients: A can of soup (in this case cream of mushroom), a pot to cook it in, a stove, an extra plastic bowl (make sure it's extra), milk, and a spoon.

Steps:

1--Ask your roommate "How do you make soup? I've never done it before." --Read the directions.

2--Read the directions. "Should I make this in the microwave or the stove" --Stove

3--Read Stove directions. ~mix cup of milk with soup and sauté.~

4-Ask "What should I cook this in." --A pan

5-"It says to simmer what does that mean" --when it starts bubbling stops

6-"How hot?" --on a scale of 1 to 8, 6

6---This is the key. The best way to stir is with a gentle and rhythmic 8 shape. Casebeer says this allows everything to stir evenly without whirlpools and spillage.

7-It's done. Turn off the heat

8--Take the soup out and pour into plastic bowl. Put the plastic bowl down and turn around to get a drink

9-Notice the burning smell and turn around to see that you left the plastic bowl on the stove. Even though you turned it off it's still hot. "What do I do? What do I do?" --Laughter

10-Try to take off the bowl but it's melted to the stove.

11-Salvage the food, eat it, and clean up tomorrow.

------Unfinished Poems (or incorrect lyrics to popular songs)

Ghost from the Past

I don't know where I met you.

Who introduced us or when?

I guess I forgot you.

Cuz I never thought we'd meet again.

You just looked up at me, and started humming one of my songs.

I just starred back at you and said, "It's been too long."

I said I remembered you even though it was a lie.

You seemed to look right through me, smiled, and then said goodbye.

I shivered and shuddered and prayed we'd meet again.

I guess it takes more than good intentions to remain good friends.

THE BAbbLER

Horoscope: (not done by me....but a mystical person)

Aquarius: Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Don't be an Anshu and cook, treat yourself and go out to dinner this week.!!

Aries: March 21 - April 19

Tread softly so you do not disturb.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Don't be a pacifist like Kitty, confront the people who irk you this week. If they're really your friends, they'll understand. If they're really your enemies, they'll die.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Don't be a Minka, spend some time in front of the mirror before you go out wearing something nasty.

Gemini: May 21 - June 21

Kiss the person sitting to the left of you at 4:44 PM. If you are alone, kiss yourself in the mirror and make a wish.

Leo: July 23 - Aug. 22

Beware of mockery hidden as compliments

Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 23

Live by the words of Big Beer "Beware of British". Avoid foreigners this week.

Pisces: Feb. 19 - March 20

You will have the urge to kick someone in the Cajones. Don't fight the feeling.

Scorpio: Oct. 24 - Nov. 21

Do not huddle in the past, jump to the future.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You have no future.....BE AFRAID!@!

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Beware of infomercial.

Virgo: Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Don't be a Casebeer, go up to that stranger, be aggressive, and get or give the digits!!

--Ask Anshu Awesome Advice

This is where you can email me questions anonymously placed here with sage like advice.

Dear Anshu,

The other day I was accosted by a woman in the elevator. She said to me, "Are you an eighties guy?" I had no reply to this so I said, "Ah yes." I was wondering what I should have done.

-------Long time reader, First time emailer: Elevator Boy

Anshu's Advice:

You sound like a loser. You should crawl up into a ball in your room and cry for being such a baby. If you want to be a Man next time, this is what you should say.

Woman: Are you an eighties guy?

Start out with a question to get into a conversation:

You: Yes. That's weird that you noticed. How did you guess?

Woman: I've seen you around before, and you just remind me of an eighties guy.

You: Is that a good thing?

Woman: Ya, it works for you.

By now the elevator will probably open. Don't be an idiot and leave. Just keep riding or hold the door open.

You: Wait. So where have you seen me around?

Woman: I don't know. We live in the same building. I guess I saw you here and just noticed you around campus.

This is where you make your move so you don't have to regret doing nothing. Complement her on something if it comes to mind and then say.

You: I've never done this before. But you just look like someone I'd like to get to know. Is that weird?

Woman: No, you seem like a cool guy. Here's my number....

Now listen Mr. Tongue-tied, chances are the conversation wouldn't have gone exactly as scripted. Also, it is very common for people to be overwhelmed when they meet certain people who have an unmistakable magical aura around them so don't feel too bad. Just ask questions, make small talk, learn something new, share information, and most importantly, make the move of just hanging out for the extra couple of seconds. And then tell them how you feel. Ask them if it's weird. You'd be surprised how the right type of girl reacts.

THE BAbbLER

Hopefully now you feel like you're not missing out on the crazy antics of my life. Also you're probably wondering how all these crazy things happen to Anshu yet the truth is he has no life and so much free time he's writing this. But technically, who cares? You had fun reading right? Maybe we've learned a little more about Anshu, so the only natural thing to do is email me back about things that happen to you. Ask advice, send hypothetical questions, give me a word to define, a topic for a poem, tell me about your day, or send a funny joke. Just keep in touch, because I love hearing odd stories from old friends. And I could use a good friend these days...(I could use a loan that is-he-he.)